Truths and lies

Dear Ariana, 

I know you are struggling a lot to forget what happened. You must move on and live your life.

Everything started to fall apart. The day I saw you, I made my mind to have a baby of our own. He never wanted it to happen soon. I agreed with him to explore in life more. One day I found something about him. He was going to donate his remaining wealth to orphanage. I was against this decision. I hope you will understand now the reason of my protest. Being a woman, it was hard to digest. I wanted to have my own baby. I would not mind to donate, but after living a life and seeing our children to grow. What about our future? There are so many problems beside love and hate between girl and boy, in the world of a married couple.

One day we had heated arguments and he lost control of his mind. He took the knife and all I remember is blood through his throat. People really lose mind in anger. I regret it now. I could have talked easily. I hope he forgives me. 

Our happy married life ended too soon. 

Now that you know what really happened between us, get your life now. 

I wish you to lead a good life.

'And so he ended?'

I was puzzled.  He was not a person who would end in such a way because of this matter. Yes, the police found knife and post mortem cleared that he took his own life. Sometime husband and wife can go to that extreme level of arguments that end up in divorce. It is after all true that being woman is difficult. Men don't understand us. 

In this letter are  truths and lies. 

With heavy heart I went to office.

What Happened?

I am feeling as if my body is heavy but somewhere in green place I am sitting and waiting. I don't know what happened and how I am here. He came towards me to sit where I was. I am feeling the green ground is pulling me down. It pulled me so hard inside like swallowing me. I am back again where I was sitting and he is weeping now. 

Without knowing what is going on or where I am, words came from my lips, "Wha.... How are you, now? "

He looked above  blue but cloudy sky. 

"And after passing years it seems like nothing happened. Everything is fine. " 

I felt warm drops of tears on my cheek, but I don't want to interrupt him and he went on. 

" Looking back all I see is darkness as if someone just clicked lights switch off and all at once went blank. Not fading, no, just went blank, like nothing was there. No one was there with glittering beautiful eyes and smile and blushing face. Hmm Feelings, nothing. How fool I was and still I am  to look back. Just wanted to get glimpse of sweet memories that went into the darkness, although I know there will be nothing but pain. Like a dark mirror, neither I can see what was there nor what is there. Seems like nothing existed, not even shadows, which once meant a whole world. Only if you could enter inside my head and see what I am feeling right now, you will never ask again that question." 

I opened my eyes and droplets of tears were on my cheeks. Some 10 years ago, I saw a happily married couple, new in the semi-urban. After  few months, I saw they were changed. They were like strangers to each others. I never wanted to cross their path. But during their happy days, they invited me as a neighbour's child who will have some cookies. He invited me. Both were nice to me. Something happened and he died. I could not digest it. Few days before the sad news, he gave me a package. He trusted me with it. 

"What happened? "

"..... you will never ask again that question. " 

The package is still with me, safe. I don't know what is inside. And I don't want to know. I am curious but I gave him words to open only when it is needed. 

After returning with the letter that day, I didn't dared to open the letter but may be I should open and read. I was already lost, the letter won't make any difference. I am already done with whatever happened. But I wanted to know what really happened. 

FROM KNOWN

The sunshine calling to get out of home and get to work. As usual I took my lunch box and bag. This is good weather. Everyday I walk through these road, meet people who too are going for their job. All those good morning wishes. I can't think of anything but that dark part. It is like a black hole, I dont know what is in it or behind it. 

Sometimes my inner self says, ''How can you be so selfish honey. You are bored with your life. But instead of working on it, you are using feelings of others to forget what you have got in reality. You know this book ended but still you are turning pages and removing dust. Well you know how it ends. You are wasting the book, memories in vain. I do not see what you are getting through it. It began, it ended. Thats it. Leave it where it ended.'' 

All these words running inside my head but deep down I know I am now fine little bit. Yes I know where it ended . But it was never ending. I just stopped. May be I am too selfish. Or may be I am doing what I want. And it is not being selfish. It can be called as listening to heart but is it really listening to heart or oppressing heart. And I am now lost to nowhere. I reached cafe. 

'Good morning'

'Hey, morning' 

Hade was busy with morning customers at the cafe. I looked around and sat in the corner table that consist of two chairs. Corner table also keeps me out of people's sight that makes me comfortable. Hade knew I would like to have coffee to gear up myself for the day. 

He brought me a coffee cup and was holding an envolope. 'Here you go coffee', he kept on the table and gave me an envolope. I was puzzled to recieve it because who in the world would send me an envolope instead of email or text message. With strange look I asked, 'Wh... an envolope? ' 

He replied , 'Yes, someone came and said to hand it over to you because it is important' 

He continued , ' The guy said it must be given to you. '

Although I was confused but I asked no more and thanked him. He went busy in cafe and I was nervous at the same time but it really seemed me strange. I was sure this carries  no message of any job promotion letter for me. I saw there was no name except it was written FROM KNOWN. After lots of thoughts running inside head positive and negatives, I opened it. 

A WALK

*Walk to the  Nightmare*

I woke up before dawn, but I have no idea when did I fell asleep. Without thinking about everything that happened at night, I went to the bathroom and got ready for a dawn walk. It was still dark. I saw through curtain of window, street lights were on. I put on jogging dress as usually, a jacket and  never forget ears muffs to safeguard myself from chilly breeze. Locking the door, I went out and took a deep breath. I don't know which path I took, because all paths are inter connected. I kept walking. It was better than bed. Chilly wind stopped and dawn touch the sky. I was admiring the sky and my eyes gazing all around saw the building. I was never meant to come here. The night was bad but dawn is worst. And with this view I felt thousands of knives peirced through my heart at once. I was frozen, I was taken aback. I felt so many things like those trees were staring at me. I wonder if these trees were feeling sorry for me or angry. When the first ray of light reached ground, it gave me warm feel that I am fine. I kept walking forward and never dared to see back. I was looking at my footsteps and forgot to see the green scenerio around. I forgot that I was walking up and down of hill turning left and right.  Hade was coming towards me and said, ''Another sleepless night Ariana?'' 

''hm.. It's just I needed some air'', said I pretending all ok. 

He smirked and hugged me expressing sympathy, ''You may lie to me, but how can you lie to yourself?"
"I.... I have to go now. I will meet you at your cafe"
"Bye honey"
"Bye"
I kept walking up the hill on a small path. I saw moutain behind my house which was covered with clouds. I went inside the room. 

DON'T ASK ME

****Nightmare****
One two three,
They know this mystery.
True believer have gone insane,
In the sun's sunshine and in this rain.
Swirling wind have got you dear,
Try to escape and you will be nowhere.
The more you will try to get out,
It will squeez you so much that you can't shout.
Even if you somehow make an escape,
It will drag you back to this cave.



I woke up feeling my heart will pop out at any moment. I saw that nightmare again. It is making me go insane. I don't know how many nights I have to take those sleeping pills. I don't want to close my eyes every nights.  Even bed and pillows are growing like monster to me. A fear already started to grip me in arms. What If I sleep , they will pull me down to that ocean of nightmare and I may sink for forever. Every day I keep saying to myself that this will not come tonight. Every night I end up with fear of sleeping and taking at last those pills. I don't know if I will ever get out of this. I wonder if somehow I get to know the way to escape. I wonder if any magic or medicine could end it, erase it from my memory. It was never like this. Only if I could have known about this coming nightmares.  Only if. 

Its happening

Well, I thought life would be easy after school. No exams, no tensions about scoring. I was wrong. Yeah. Life is taking exams now. I mean come on, what is going on. Life is all about exam. Real exam. Sometime its difficult to handle but have to find way. Even job is not working. I mean you get paid but now you want to go back to school days. Now you realise school was about no worries. 

I am just struck to nowhere. I miss something. I lost many things. Seems like I am on the track but I don't know where to go. May be I am lamenting. May be because I have seen worse and lamenting about what I left behind but I know I have to walk. I can't stand and stare what is gone faded.

Its happening. 

BAZINGA BLOG ONE : ZERO IN MATHS
The number 0 (zero) changed so much in mathematics. It appeared as a blessing and hope like you get something from nothing. Zero means nothing that is an absence of other values.It plays a central role in mathematics as the identity element of the integers, real numbers, and many other algebraic structure. The invention of Zero brought massive change and ease in mathematics.
About the discovery and invention of Zero, as in sources, different types of symbols were mentioned as Zero in ancient time. From Maayan to Euclids, the number zero was indicated as dot symbol or blank.  Aryabhatta made aware that there exist a number zero . Today we use symbol '0' as zero. The word zero comes through the Arabic literal translation of the sanskrit śūnya ( शून्य ), meaning voidor empty, vacant.The rules governing the use of zero appeared for the first time in the book Brahmasputha Siddhanta written in 628 by Brahmagupta (598-670).
Now the horror part about zero. Imagine a math without zero. World without zero. That will be like a  world without algebra, arithmetic, decimal, account, physical quantity, boundary between negative and positive. Not so horrible? No zero means a world without computers! Zero is a hero. yeahhhh!!!